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Jane of all trades, Master of none. Still on the search for the occupation that I can love.....

Friday, September 9, 2011

My Epic Fail.....

I have not been posting lately.
A few people have brought it to my attention by asking "Whatca working on?" My answer is always the same. "Nothing"
Truth be told that's a Big Fat Lie!
Since before I was laid off , almost a year ago I have been working on a project that means more to me than any of ones in the past.
Kit and I have been trying to add to our little family. I know that it doesn't seem like that would take up much time, considering we pretty much have the act down and we are good at it. Actually we are pretty good a making babies also....Just not so good at keeping them alive past the 1st trimester. Since the first miscarriage last year we have loss 3 pregnancies.
That last statement usually starts with "I" and I have to keep reminding myself that the loss was not mine alone. Kit has been really supportive. Especially considering that I haven't been working and hospitals and insurance companies bill you about the same cost, baby or not.
I have to keep reminding myself to stop blaming me, because its really easy to beat yourself up, thinking that I could have done something about it. I know that medically it was out of my hands. Its hard to stop the Why me?, and the It's not fair!, and the crazy jealousy of others. My internal dialog has been terrible towards myself because hate to fail. And this feels like an Epic failure. I have this incredible need to go all in and hands on and fix things and I cant fix this.
That's the part that has taken up so much of my energy, desire to work on anything creative, or even get out as much as I should.

After the 3rd loss we were referred to an Infertility specialist who assured us that 3 losses to them were no big deal. I think they should try being on the other side of the desk. The amount of testing that you have to do is insane. We both came out with a clean bill of health, but I have been given the label "Advanced Maternal Age". After 2 rounds of Injection cycles and now the discovery of Uterine fibroids that may need to be removed. When I stop and consider the losses, cost and the potential damage to my health and relationship, I think I have come to terms with the idea that this may not happen.

I am coming back around to being me. I have managed to dump 10 of the 18 pounds that I picked up this year being depressed (self medicated with food). If I could find work, that would be great but with this economy I'm not holding my breath.
At first I was glad that I was not working. I felt like I needed to be alone but now I know, I need to get out. I have gotten out more to workout dates with friends and picked up on the frequency of my yoga practice. It really does help put things in prospective.
Kit and I have talked about me going back to school. I have to give it more thought because I never really thought of a serious career. I've always considered work as just work. It was just something you did to provide the necessities so you could enjoy your life and family. I'll have to focus on it more now since I may not get hired the one career field that I really wanted.....

I want to a great big thank you to the people that have let me bend their ears back with all my chatter. This is my equivalent for crying on shoulders since I'm not one for crying in front of others, I am eternally great full for you checking in on me every week. And thank you the one who have helped me dodge questions that I could not answer at the time (You know who you are). If by chance I have pushed away from you in the past year please know that it had nothing to do with you, it was not personal.

One thing that I have learned is not to take things and people for granted. The other is that when someone is dealing with a medical condition like infertility I will never tell them to relax and not stress, because then and it will happen. Maybe its me but that just grates on my nerves. You would never tell some one to relax away any other diagnosis. (except maybe stress)
I will get back to projects & posting soon. I still have a chair that needs to be recovered. I have the fabric. The chair and fabric have been sitting in the corner looking at me looking at it......I'm gonna tackle it......

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